I Think We Should Part Ways For A Little While (If Not For Good).

Even though I parted ways with this space a long time ago. I feel like this all needs some type of closure. I'll try and tie up some loose ends before the end of this post. Feel like I owe anyone who reads this in the end. There really isn't that much information on here to begin with. Towards the end I'll probably leave a little "to be continued" information on here.

Shouldn't beat around the bush here. As you can tell, this was a place to write and hide from everyone I've ever known. I look back on it now and wonder why? There really was no point behind any of this at all. Looking back through some of these posts, all I ever did was name drop a time or two. In the end, I look back and think about how I should of gone the exact opposite route. I should of let others know about these writings, but instead I decided to keep hidden.

I never really wanted my ex-girlfriend to find out that I still had feelings for her 3 years after we had broken up (because I find that to be fucking awkward). I didn't want to let the girl I had a crush on know that I actually had a thorough crush on her. I didn't want my father finding out about my drug use (though I think I never really wrote anything about that, I'll have to go back and look). Most of all, I did not want to attract attention to myself. Looking back over the blueprints, this was all a success. It was just something I really did not want. Yet at the time I had no clue why all of this was happening.

I've been officially writing for years. To date, since 2000 when I created my first personal website. Afterwards, jumping the livejournal bandwagon only to quit that and come here. When I got here, I lost the drive. I had a couple of months in me and then found myself posting once every 6 months. I didn't even make a damn post here in 2010. I lost that passion I once had as a child. Being 15, you find a lot of things to talk about. A lot of things to analyze and see.

Now, I struggle to find meaning in everyday life. 11 years later and it feels like a lot of things haven't changed. But that passion isn't there. Well, it still is, but you need time. Time plays a huge favor to a writer. Time is something I've lacked over the past 3 or 4 years. You spend 8 hours inside a Walmart and then you get home and what do you want to do? Television, sit around, fix something to eat. The last thing I want to do is to recap day in and day out what it is like to work at Walmart. I can explain it in one sentence, it's boring. It doesn't make for an interesting read and it hurts my head thinking about how monotonous the descriptions of each day would be like. Enough to make my brain bleed.

So I force closed that part of my life. If these words are medication to my soul then I've stopped taking my medication for years and it's wearing on me now. So let's just get this over with. Delaying the inevitable, let us tie up some of these stories. Maybe I'll let you know how things have gone over the past year and where I stand now.

To the Past...

The ex-girlfriend I still had a "thing" for...we never talk anymore and that desire died a long time ago. She still lives in Houston, I still live in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. She called things off back in 2005 and I was writing about how we had a fallout in friendship in '08. I wouldn't see her in person until March of 2010.

I made it down to Austin for the day for SXSW. I roamed the city by myself, drinking cheap (if not, free) beer. Drunk and stumbling around the city. I managed to make it to the Fader Fort and saw some of her friends. Only a matter of time before I would see her. I was going through a lot of shit at the time and started smoking cigarettes if I can remember vividly. Then I saw her, standing in the crowd. Hanging all over this random BMX rat. I laughed, chuckled to myself about how he looked like a piece of shit and she was all over him. Then it hit me, I got a little sad. I saw her situation and then I saw mine. We had grown so far apart it was unreal. Two different people who mean nothing to each other. I stood and watched, never did I approach them. She never saw me in the end. Alia hasn't seen me since sometime in 2007. I'm sure I'll run into her next March at SXSW. Maybe this time I'll say something. I'm sure hilarity will ensue. That's how that one ended.

Nothing ever materialized with Diana. She's nice, but things just kinda got drowned out. I would say she was never interested. She doesn't work at Walmart anymore and I haven't seen her since April of last year. We talk on occasion online, but that's it. Not much to say about that.

I am still in college. Graduated Fall of 2010, only to fail one class. So I'm graduating Spring of 2011. Remember when I said it was the last thing I wanted to do? Well, it happened. Now you can understand my frustrations at life.

I was dating a girl back at the beginning of '10. We lasted for about a month or two. She did me wrong and I failed to notice the warning signs. Needless to say, it didn't end too well and well, I don't talk to her anymore either....

Studied abroad in London last year over the summer. That was a trip of a lifetime.

Chased a girl that works at the bank in Walmart only to have no luck. Instead I've tried to change my outlook on women. Since the last one robbed me of what personal freedom of mind that I had left, I've decided to just play around and do what I do. Which is difficult seeing as I'm a fairly quiet guy. But yeah, that girl at the bank...I just play games with women now. I think she has a boyfriend too. Hmm..

I hang out with this guy Josue a lot. He's a good friend. We work together and just so happens we have some of the same devious hobbies. My wingman, not of the traditional, but more so just a good friend that I feel like I can confide in these days.. The lease here in Lewisville (Yes, when I started this blog I lived in Denton - moved last December) is up in June. Looks like I'll be living somewhere else with a roommate. It's a small curve ball in the game of life. Looks like it'll be interesting to see where some of these things go in the next couple of years...

And with that, I close out this chapter. For the future, this blog might be deleted. It might change its subject matter. No one really knows right now, not even I.

A blessing before I go....Don't distance yourself from everyone. Give people a shot. You never know when someone is actually going to impress you. After all, it is life and it does play a good game of "random". Have fun with it and trust others, but don't be surprised if that trust becomes broken. Take it with a grain of salt. We're all human after all and we've never been perfect.

"Now, to retire to that star out on the far end of the galaxy. To spend my days with you and only you until we both fade away and become one with the universe..."

Goodnight and good luck.

- www.reasontokill.livejournal.com

I'm The Only Way

I've been away for roughly a week. I return back to my place tomorrow night.

Everything just seems openly empty right now. This is the first time I've been back to my parents house since October of 2007. If I could spend this week off all over again I think I would of come back here on Monday even though my Mother didn't have a day off until Thursday. I got here on Wednesday night and I'm leaving Sunday afternoon. Almost a week here and it feels like it wasn't enough. Isn't that the way it's suppose to feel though? Is that what getting older feels like?

When I left I was so worried that one day I was going to wake up and realize my parents (Mother and Step-father) were older than I ever thought. I spent all of my 22nd year of life worrying about it. That year was the year I moved out and realized that I had made it past 21. I'm 24 now by the way.

I never would of thought that way about the pets I left behind here. I couldn't take them because I have this small feeling it would be horrible for them emotionally and monetarily for me. I came back here with the intention of seeing my dog with all his rustic colored hair and short attention span. Though I will admit he does have a somewhat small attention span, still, he brown and tan hair has turned to patches of white on his face and hands/feet. My cat, still looking youthful, acts more her age now. She has lost weight due to old age and can barely speak anymore. She moves around the house like a nineteen year old cat. Though I did see her running around a small bit tonight like old times.

I guess I've been here such a small time and I haven't gotten to sit around with them constantly like the old days. They're still the same, just a little older that's all. I miss them, but I think they've also lived with my Mother for so long that I think they're more attached to her than me. She might not like to admit that, but I believe it is fact.

I've tried to make this more soul searching then just a trip back here. If I was looking for it, I haven't found it yet. Not a waste in that sense, but when you want to solve questions with answers you don't get more questions in return. It shouldn't work like that.

The accomplishments of vacation:
Monday - If I can still remember correctly (I've forced myself into island time) I woke up around nine in the morning to tend to a round of golf with my Father in Lewisville. I've come to enjoy the golf course in the recent month of two. I don't expect to play more, but I do enjoy myself more than what I use to. We ended up going to eat afterwards and then we took the standard issue of buying some groceries. All in all enjoyable. I think I've used "enjoy" quite a few times now to describe this day.

Tuesday - The week before I had planned a time to take the final from a summer class on the morning of this day. It's safe to say that didn't work out. I ran into a co-worker who I work with. She works at the school as well and informed me that I was out of luck since the professor wasn't in at that time on Tuesday. Frustrated, I went back to my apartment and posted a facebook status asking if anyone wanted me to visit them. A desperate plea to fix last minute plan that didn't work out. I was exhausted from the previous day of golf so I decided to turn in for a nap the rest of the afternoon. When I came to the professor had emailed me back apologizing for not being in his office at the time of my visit and inquired me to give me a pick of some times for next week before the fall semester began. (I have since emailed him back, on Wednesday, and he has yet to respond. It is early Sunday morning now). I also awoke to a couple of responses from facebook. One claiming that I should go to Colorado...the other for Austin. I would of gone to Austin if I hadn't fallen asleep. Never really given my plans to my Mother for the week, but I told her I would leave on Tuesday or Wednesday. I sent her a message saying that I was going to get a haircut and leave on Wednesday. The following events happened to no other actions.

Wednesday/Thursday - I got up around eleven on Wednesday morning and laggard around till one in the afternoon to take off for South Texas. I made it here by seven in the afternoon. Took awhile due to moderate weather conditions in Houston along with rush hour traffic. I got here that night and really did nothing. I was just happy to be back here with people and things I knew in my surroundings. Nothing like living by yourself and working all the time. And if you're not doing those things, being in class to top it all off. I retired late into the night like always and woke up to my Mother nudging me on the shoulder saying that she was going to have to go into work for an hour or two that morning. Tough, since she had requested Thursday and Friday to be off with me. Turns out she was apart of the layoffs had her company. To this day I feel bad about her status, but I have the utmost belief that she can make it. Doesn't help that she recently got a new car about a month ago. She'll be okay. We went into Victoria when she got back and spent the afternoon going around to some stores. Old stopping grounds, the local best buy, Kohls, Academy, but we never set foot into Target. I don't think I would know anyone from there seeing as it has been over two years since I've worked in that store. To no avail, nothing else really happened in a day that had mixed results.

Friday - Was probably the day I needed. I lived down here from 2005 to 2007, all the while I had never driven down to the beach. I never really realized how close I was to something like this. Something that would actually feel like a vacation get away. When you mention a beach to someone in Texas all they talk about is South Padre. As if every other beach in the state is polluted and has brown water. Never knew I was a little over an hour away from a decent sized beach with moderately clean water. During my fits of depression in 2005, the area we travelled to would have helped me immensely. I look back now and wonder why I never spent the time to make it down to the Aransas area. We didn't leave till around ten thirty in the morning and unfortunately made it to the beach by around two in the afternoon. My Mother and I almost blew the entire day just driving down there. She kinda felt bad because we never really knew where we were going and therefore our time for the day was entirely way too short. We just wanted that Mother and Son time. The perfect moment and setting - like an old family again.

The way we were for nearly twenty years of my life. And by god, we got it. Eventually, the beach sheriff told us we had to leave since we didn't have a permit, but by then we already had an hour and a half of beach time behind us. The way we acted that day reminded me of our trip to California in 1995. We took a white Isuzu Rodeo out to California and back for two weeks. The trip was hell, but if I could pin point one moment of my life where I thought I was seeing so many things in a short time frame, it would have to be that trip with her. Though you couldn't write a book about the events that unfolded on that trip for me, it's safe to say that we learned a lot about ourselves from that trip.

Our time is always full of unwary adventure. My car almost got stuck in the sand after we were told to leave (nicely I might add). I ended up almost breaking a nail off my toe and only realized this on the drive back home when my foot felt a little off. It's a wonder I didn't attract a shark because my toe was covered in dry blood. I turned the lights down low for the day and wound up drunk during dinner. No hilarious or horrible events ensued during dinner. Just the same old normal.

Saturday will do without it's secular description. I've used today to recuperate from a bad toe and a sunburned body. I would venture to say this had to be my normal day. The day of rest, similar to that when I lived with them.

My Mother apologized through different parts of the day. I told her I've had fun, but her stance reminds me of my Father in Dallas. He would constantly ask the same question on occasion and still does today.

Por Domingo, I'm going to church since my Mother insisted. I'm not a religious man, but I would be lying if I hadn't been in a house of God before and found the man was preaching to my life. I take religion with a grain of salt. Afterwards, I'll mosey out of town by the latest of two in the afternoon and take my time on the way back home.

I just dread the return. Following it, I work six days in a row combining 42 hours of work in those six days. On top of that, I start classes on Thursday of this week. As much as I'm tending to fill my immediate future with gloom, there is always a good spot. I'm sure it won't be that bad in my return. Negative, more so of me hoping than knowing.

As I lay myself down to sleep, I will ponder. Am I going to take work less serious since I'm obviously not going to college for retail? How many more times will I make it down here in the next year? Maybe I should focus my energy off of work and get back onto classes and other social odds and ends? I need to start doing something with my life. This whole....place where I work is just deteriorating me down.

And then there is Diana. The only girl who could hold a tune to my heart at the moment. The one I was probably talking about back in June or May...can't remember. I wouldn't be surprised if this girl has never gone out with a guy before. Won't lie, that sends a potential red flag to me. Then again, I can't lie to you the reader and say that she isn't one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. I hint off all the time that I'm interested in her, but I get nothing...

There is a different time and different place for me to start drooling on the keys right now. I would like to dissect it out sometime very soon here, see what it is about her that makes me tick.

Who cares...no one will ever read this stuff anyways.

When Will We Ever Find You?

Let's just get basic here. Try not to sound high above myself.

Why her? Why do I have to fall for that girl? The one 6 years younger than me. The one where I tell myself age is not an issue, yet when it boils down to me I feel like it has to be irrelevant.

She's so cute though. We'll mumble things back and forth to each other when we cross paths at work. (Key phrase, "at work") We'll make inane threats to each other and try to one up each other while talking about various random things. I almost try and be blatant about hitting on her. And yet, I feel like there isn't a bite everytime I cast a lure.

I can't be obvious about it.

This is why we take a break

I'm a week and a half into my 3 week summer. Count the fact that I work about 5 days a week and 21 days turns into 6 days of absolute free time. Not much, but I'm not really complaining.

Classes have since ended and the grades were okay. I did have one D, but I stand by at the fact that it wasn't primarily my fault and more so the departments. I could go into exact detail over it, but I feel like I've done that with people personally in my life since February/March. Either way I'm gearing up for the summer. Retaking the class I made a D in and taking some others.

With all of that I finally feel like I'm starting to get close to the finish with college. Worst comes to worse - I would end up finishing in the Spring of 2011. Folks, I've been going to college since the end of 2004. At this point I would rather have the end of 2010 any day of the week. Either way that's 2 more fall semesters, this summer and the next, and one more Spring semester if I've calculated it all out right. I'm recalibrating this part of my life and hope to study abroad next summer in London with the RTVF department at UNT. Late last year I was looking to study in Mexico for this summer, but when I got into the class this past spring I had to reconsider. A shame since I technically would have been able to go anyways. Instead, I just declined and decided to take my 2 extra Spanish courses here instead of in Mexico. All the better anyways since the outbreak down there managed to cancel the trip to Mexico from the University. In the end, it just wouldn't have mattered.

It's all starting to tense up though. I can't screw up anymore. I can't make D's and retake them. I need to make solid grades for the next year and a half. That's a lot to ask of me since I work 30 -some-odd hours a week while attending classes. I maintain that I'm still going for my double minor as well. To see a general breakdown of it all:

• RTVF major (36 hours left)
• Business minor (12 hours left)
• Spanish minor (6 hours left)

By the end of the year, I'm looking to have the hours down to 30, 3, and 3 respecitivly. 36 hours of classes to complete in a year. 15 in the spring, 15 in the fall, and the 6 to study in London. If possible I'm going to try and take more classes in the summer, that way I won't have to carry such a large load on my last semester. One can hope, right?

I'll try and get back with more later...

No.

Everything I wrote about her and him are gone. It's okay, I can keep it buried alive.

01192009

I would stop by here just before the start of the spring semester. Matter a fact, I don't even feel like sitting here that long to type something out. I think it's funny that I've managed to type out 2 entries in the past 2 months. All in good reason, right? Just trying to live a life.

For the current record, I probably won't be jotting that many things down over the next few months.

Too many classes.
Too many video games.
Too much work.
Not enough time.

Writing...a very established part of my life (even though my grammar is horrible) will just have to take a backseat. Not saying that I'm getting rid of this. I just feel like I have no time or no desire to express anything here.

Last semester was great for the most part and this 5 week break has been nice, but I'm ready to get back to class and stop working as much. Working at Walmart is nothing I would like to make a career out of for sure. Alas, I've tried to do some other things on the days I've been off, but I usually just end up sitting around. I managed to get my passport application filled out last week so I have that to look forward to sometime in February.

A lot of Fallout 3 and Cold Duty: World At War over the past 2 weeks. Bought this recording device for the laptop, guitar, keyboard, etc etc... If I could get it to work that would take up a lot of my time possibly.

The future? As in this year? Not much planned, never really have that much planned out. I would like to go study abroad sometime at the end of the year if able to. Probably in London, was thinking about Mexico, but gave up on that for the most part. Though you never can tell with these things.

The spring semester begins tomorrow. I have classes 4 days a week as compared to 5 last semester and my earliest class is at 9:30 AM instead of 8 AM 5 days a week like last semester. Wednesdays will be classes all day.

Cut Copy plays here on March 7th. One of the best shows I went to last year. Still need to get tickets and request that day off. Hopefully the new manager isn't an asshole...Time will tell.

I turn 24 this year. I made this pact with myself that I would get somewhere in my twenties. So far, that hasn't happened and if only my 19 year old self would see me now. He would probably be a little disappointed. Hey, it's not like I'm still living at Home in Austin or Victoria for that matter. He's too young to understand anyway.

On that note, I'm outta here. Who knows I could show back up here tomorrow or 6 months from now. Hell, it's not like anyone really cares anyways. Oh well.

Soon...

I will update. One of these days. Promise.