Hate him.
Don't really care for her.
Think he's cool, but he's kinda annoying
Haven't talked to her in years.
Can't believe she didn't even bother. (I feel miserable about it)
Wonder what her life is like without me.
What does she think about me?
Wonder what their lives are like now, if they still know I'm here?
Haven't seen her in months.
Wonder what they all think of me - I try not to stare.
Hope you're doing ok...you probably are.
I can't really put you into one sentence...
But I do know that there is a foul distaste at the thought of him.
And I push it all off to the side.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
No Subjecto 1
This has to be the kookiest month I have ever lived in and were only 10 days in. Actually, I can't remember if the whole Palin thing was last week or the week before, oh well. Still, we've managed to get a sense that the Earth might end, Texas will be hit by a major hurricane, and our President has gone trigger happy. On top of this, my world still turns. It's just been a busy week and I don't think it will really let up until Sunday possible...or December. Obviously I had enough time to sleep 5 hours this afternoon. That helps, you know, just wasted the entire day. Nice.
It's rained the whole fucking day. It rained all fucking day Tuesday and Monday night. It rained so much yesterday that I required a shower after class and before work. I had from 12:50 to 2:30 yesterday afternoon to fix something to eat and shower and rest. Needless to say, I didn't really get anything to eat. Plus after my little nap escapades today, I haven't eaten lunch either. I haven't had much in continuity of food in the past 48 hours. A piece of bread here, some goldfish there, finish the day off with a peanut butter sandwich. I'd like to use Sunday as a time to fix some decent food.
My family (that would be my Mother, Ste-father, Cat, and Dog) are probably going to evacuate on Thursday. Dunno when the damn thing is suppose to roll through. I am starting to worry now. If I didn't have a home here then it would probably be down in Ganado, Texas. Last time I checked, that was right smack-dab in the middle of the projected path.
Off to homework, sleep, class, and then work. Then class on Friday and another off night. Hooray!
It's rained the whole fucking day. It rained all fucking day Tuesday and Monday night. It rained so much yesterday that I required a shower after class and before work. I had from 12:50 to 2:30 yesterday afternoon to fix something to eat and shower and rest. Needless to say, I didn't really get anything to eat. Plus after my little nap escapades today, I haven't eaten lunch either. I haven't had much in continuity of food in the past 48 hours. A piece of bread here, some goldfish there, finish the day off with a peanut butter sandwich. I'd like to use Sunday as a time to fix some decent food.
My family (that would be my Mother, Ste-father, Cat, and Dog) are probably going to evacuate on Thursday. Dunno when the damn thing is suppose to roll through. I am starting to worry now. If I didn't have a home here then it would probably be down in Ganado, Texas. Last time I checked, that was right smack-dab in the middle of the projected path.
Off to homework, sleep, class, and then work. Then class on Friday and another off night. Hooray!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Air
Is everything as small as we think it is? Is it even possible to think of the big picture, or have we been selling ourselves short all along? The brain has an amazing way of coming up with what seem like an infinite number of questions yet it falls so short in the answer category. So many ways, so many reasons.
Sometimes I wonder, 2 seconds before you die, do you figure out what the meaning of life is? The major human conquest is to figure out the answer to that lone question. At times, it's silly to say that I feel like I've found the answer to that question. Yet, every time I find a good answer, I find a better answer. Honestly, the way to figure out the meaning of life is to live a life. I don't think it can be put into words and I believe it takes a lifetime to figure it out. At 23, that would probably be my answer. How much can I bet myself that the answer will probably change when I'm 35?
I think we look for a more material answer though. Such as - God is the reason why we are here. Or science and its splendid world of biology put us here. All in all, quite possible. I wouldn't deny any of those answers. It is what it is, so on and so on.
I don't try and bend myself over it. There are too many feelings to feel and the world is a constant changing place. Today, I got a weird case of (somewhat) deja vu. I wish I can remember what it was specifically, but I can't put my finger on it. It was comforting because it was a thought I had not felt since I was a young kid. Going there felt amazing and new - and now it's gone. One of these nights I'll find it again. Here's to hoping it doesn't take another 23 years.
Sometimes I wonder, 2 seconds before you die, do you figure out what the meaning of life is? The major human conquest is to figure out the answer to that lone question. At times, it's silly to say that I feel like I've found the answer to that question. Yet, every time I find a good answer, I find a better answer. Honestly, the way to figure out the meaning of life is to live a life. I don't think it can be put into words and I believe it takes a lifetime to figure it out. At 23, that would probably be my answer. How much can I bet myself that the answer will probably change when I'm 35?
I think we look for a more material answer though. Such as - God is the reason why we are here. Or science and its splendid world of biology put us here. All in all, quite possible. I wouldn't deny any of those answers. It is what it is, so on and so on.
I don't try and bend myself over it. There are too many feelings to feel and the world is a constant changing place. Today, I got a weird case of (somewhat) deja vu. I wish I can remember what it was specifically, but I can't put my finger on it. It was comforting because it was a thought I had not felt since I was a young kid. Going there felt amazing and new - and now it's gone. One of these nights I'll find it again. Here's to hoping it doesn't take another 23 years.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
No One Ever Told Me
I probably woke up about 30 minutes ago. That was the roughest 8 hours of sleep I've ever taken. I slept fine and maybe it was just the dreaming and the light coming through the window late in the morning.
Similar to one of those retarded dreams where you go to school and have no clothes on. It wasn't as bad as the aforementioned example in the previous sentence, but it was almost to that point. Thank god those dreams are not suppose to be literal. I know better than to think that so there must be a hidden meaning behind dreams like this. Maybe I'm uncomfortable with something that I was originally comfortable with? Could be since no one really seemed to notice. I went so far as to alter my commute in the dream because I felt uncomfortable. Maybe I overreacted? My dreams have a funny way of materializing so I imagine that whatever it means, I'll find out about it up to 48 hours later.
Just like how I explained (about 2 posts ago) the girl that I had a problem with. Funny that I actually had a dream with her in it. Is it really common for people to dream about their ex's? I don't find it normal and it bugs me. I do know why I do it though... That's another time, another place that I know all too well. That was a blunt tipped arrow.
Either way, my reaction would be similar to how I feel about her at the moment. Not really anything interesting or complicating to it. It was just the bitter irony that she decided to talk to me the very next day. Even though we talked for the equivalent of....oooohhh...10 seconds. Then she proceeded to not want to talk to me and we haven't talked since even though I told her I was still a little upset and that even if I was I could still talk to her. Obviously a bad idea and it didn't work, obviously. "Whatever, your loss", were my last remaining words to her. Honestly, I would venture to say that it's my loss.
Speaking of losses, the other ex (I need to come up with specific names for these people. I don't like to name drop and I would like everything to stay anonymous) came and got her furniture at the apartment here. It's just about empty here now. I have 2 weeks left to listen to my voice echo off the walls. It will probably drive me insane and I find it a pain to have one computer chair and move it from the living room to the front room. The floor isn't as comfortable as I imagined. It was the first time I had seen her since April when she left me here. It's okay, it was mutual in the end. Some odd moments were around and at times I felt like I was just talking to the walls. My small talk usually went unnoticed by her and I guess I deserved that. I just felt horrible and it's a good thing her and her parents were only here for about an hour and a half. My mother and a close friend are all I've seen this summer. When they were done her parents wished me good luck for the fall semester, her father shook my hand, and what was said between her and I was nothing to write home about. I felt sorry and awkward. But I only hope that I don't cause her any pain like my last ex still does to me to this day. She moved back home, but she's suppose to move to College Station to attend school in the fall. We both knew things wouldn't last forever. We just didn't know when they would end.
No one ever told me that when I decided what I wanted to do with my life that I would have to leave people behind. It's a long, lonely climb to the top. Wonder if I'll ever make it...
For some reason when I listen to Breaking The Broken by Sparta I think of sunny days with cold air and cigarette smoke in Austin. I must of had a moment like this with the song. With almost every song I can go back into the past somewhere in some time frame. As sad as it can be sometimes, this is why I love music.
Similar to one of those retarded dreams where you go to school and have no clothes on. It wasn't as bad as the aforementioned example in the previous sentence, but it was almost to that point. Thank god those dreams are not suppose to be literal. I know better than to think that so there must be a hidden meaning behind dreams like this. Maybe I'm uncomfortable with something that I was originally comfortable with? Could be since no one really seemed to notice. I went so far as to alter my commute in the dream because I felt uncomfortable. Maybe I overreacted? My dreams have a funny way of materializing so I imagine that whatever it means, I'll find out about it up to 48 hours later.
Just like how I explained (about 2 posts ago) the girl that I had a problem with. Funny that I actually had a dream with her in it. Is it really common for people to dream about their ex's? I don't find it normal and it bugs me. I do know why I do it though... That's another time, another place that I know all too well. That was a blunt tipped arrow.
Either way, my reaction would be similar to how I feel about her at the moment. Not really anything interesting or complicating to it. It was just the bitter irony that she decided to talk to me the very next day. Even though we talked for the equivalent of....oooohhh...10 seconds. Then she proceeded to not want to talk to me and we haven't talked since even though I told her I was still a little upset and that even if I was I could still talk to her. Obviously a bad idea and it didn't work, obviously. "Whatever, your loss", were my last remaining words to her. Honestly, I would venture to say that it's my loss.
Speaking of losses, the other ex (I need to come up with specific names for these people. I don't like to name drop and I would like everything to stay anonymous) came and got her furniture at the apartment here. It's just about empty here now. I have 2 weeks left to listen to my voice echo off the walls. It will probably drive me insane and I find it a pain to have one computer chair and move it from the living room to the front room. The floor isn't as comfortable as I imagined. It was the first time I had seen her since April when she left me here. It's okay, it was mutual in the end. Some odd moments were around and at times I felt like I was just talking to the walls. My small talk usually went unnoticed by her and I guess I deserved that. I just felt horrible and it's a good thing her and her parents were only here for about an hour and a half. My mother and a close friend are all I've seen this summer. When they were done her parents wished me good luck for the fall semester, her father shook my hand, and what was said between her and I was nothing to write home about. I felt sorry and awkward. But I only hope that I don't cause her any pain like my last ex still does to me to this day. She moved back home, but she's suppose to move to College Station to attend school in the fall. We both knew things wouldn't last forever. We just didn't know when they would end.
No one ever told me that when I decided what I wanted to do with my life that I would have to leave people behind. It's a long, lonely climb to the top. Wonder if I'll ever make it...
For some reason when I listen to Breaking The Broken by Sparta I think of sunny days with cold air and cigarette smoke in Austin. I must of had a moment like this with the song. With almost every song I can go back into the past somewhere in some time frame. As sad as it can be sometimes, this is why I love music.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Begin
I ran far away. I didn't tell people where I was going. I hinted off on where I might run to, but no one was probably listening. Hard to tell whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I just remember I had a problem with the people that read what I wrote, yet at the same time it felt like no one was watching. Not sure, things don't add up when I explain it that way.
Either way, I guess it happens like this. I started "blogging" back in 2001. There wasn't even a word for it back then. I just referred to it as typing online. Hard to believe it has almost been 7 years. Whatever.
I've written in so many places over this decade. I wonder why? Why can't it be just in one place? Why do I have to run back and forth, between blog and a physical journal? A red book from a blue book? Livejournal or Blogspot? What does it all mean? I've never really sat down and figured it all out. I imagine it's some complicated life puzzle. A part that I'm not ready to sit down and tame yet. Too many other things are going on right now. Or then again, am I just telling myself that?
Too many questions.
Not enough answers.
Too much life.
Not enough time.
So, I'm going to brainstorm here. There are questions of about life, school, music, a career, relationships, drugs (which are starting to play a bigger part as I get older), video games. These are all topics that seem to revolve around my life. Some may appear more shallow than other's, but usually people with closed minds seem to think up things like that. Therefore, I guess these topics will be discussed at a later date or in the near future. Oh yeah, and whatever is on my mind. After all, isn't that what blogging is all about? Typing your thoughts and putting them on the internet for people to see and maybe...just maybe they'll relate to it. To feel like we're not alone after all. A friend recently posted on her livejournal that typing things out was therapeutic. I could not agree more. It does help, but only to an extent at certain times. Kinda like the small print on an add. Everything in life comes with an asterisk and small print.
WE'RE ALL THE SAME
*yet we are also all different...
I guess that's how it works.
But this time around I'll try and be more thoughtful. Ok, maybe... I like to have a little fun, obviously. I've noticed that in my writings over all these years that the line begins to blur. What I type here, won't necessary be around forever. So, how do I define what is a public matter that I can share with everyone and what is a private matter that will never see the light of day and will stay in the journal that I keep hidden all throughout the apartment? Actually, since I'm the only one here it just sits out in the open for now. But still!
That should be it for now. I'll come back to point out something.
Edit: I really wanted the h5n1 url at blogspot, but some stupid idiot stole the name already. http://h5n1.blogspot.com . It's ridiculous, really. I'm tired of people talking about the end of the world. And to think, a perfectly good URL was just WASTED for this persons utter insanity. So, Tokyo Firestorm it is.
Either way, I guess it happens like this. I started "blogging" back in 2001. There wasn't even a word for it back then. I just referred to it as typing online. Hard to believe it has almost been 7 years. Whatever.
I've written in so many places over this decade. I wonder why? Why can't it be just in one place? Why do I have to run back and forth, between blog and a physical journal? A red book from a blue book? Livejournal or Blogspot? What does it all mean? I've never really sat down and figured it all out. I imagine it's some complicated life puzzle. A part that I'm not ready to sit down and tame yet. Too many other things are going on right now. Or then again, am I just telling myself that?
Too many questions.
Not enough answers.
Too much life.
Not enough time.
So, I'm going to brainstorm here. There are questions of about life, school, music, a career, relationships, drugs (which are starting to play a bigger part as I get older), video games. These are all topics that seem to revolve around my life. Some may appear more shallow than other's, but usually people with closed minds seem to think up things like that. Therefore, I guess these topics will be discussed at a later date or in the near future. Oh yeah, and whatever is on my mind. After all, isn't that what blogging is all about? Typing your thoughts and putting them on the internet for people to see and maybe...just maybe they'll relate to it. To feel like we're not alone after all. A friend recently posted on her livejournal that typing things out was therapeutic. I could not agree more. It does help, but only to an extent at certain times. Kinda like the small print on an add. Everything in life comes with an asterisk and small print.
WE'RE ALL THE SAME
*yet we are also all different...
I guess that's how it works.
But this time around I'll try and be more thoughtful. Ok, maybe... I like to have a little fun, obviously. I've noticed that in my writings over all these years that the line begins to blur. What I type here, won't necessary be around forever. So, how do I define what is a public matter that I can share with everyone and what is a private matter that will never see the light of day and will stay in the journal that I keep hidden all throughout the apartment? Actually, since I'm the only one here it just sits out in the open for now. But still!
That should be it for now. I'll come back to point out something.
Edit: I really wanted the h5n1 url at blogspot, but some stupid idiot stole the name already. http://h5n1.blogspot.com . It's ridiculous, really. I'm tired of people talking about the end of the world. And to think, a perfectly good URL was just WASTED for this persons utter insanity. So, Tokyo Firestorm it is.
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