Shouldn't beat around the bush here. As you can tell, this was a place to write and hide from everyone I've ever known. I look back on it now and wonder why? There really was no point behind any of this at all. Looking back through some of these posts, all I ever did was name drop a time or two. In the end, I look back and think about how I should of gone the exact opposite route. I should of let others know about these writings, but instead I decided to keep hidden.
I never really wanted my ex-girlfriend to find out that I still had feelings for her 3 years after we had broken up (because I find that to be fucking awkward). I didn't want to let the girl I had a crush on know that I actually had a thorough crush on her. I didn't want my father finding out about my drug use (though I think I never really wrote anything about that, I'll have to go back and look). Most of all, I did not want to attract attention to myself. Looking back over the blueprints, this was all a success. It was just something I really did not want. Yet at the time I had no clue why all of this was happening.
I've been officially writing for years. To date, since 2000 when I created my first personal website. Afterwards, jumping the livejournal bandwagon only to quit that and come here. When I got here, I lost the drive. I had a couple of months in me and then found myself posting once every 6 months. I didn't even make a damn post here in 2010. I lost that passion I once had as a child. Being 15, you find a lot of things to talk about. A lot of things to analyze and see.
Now, I struggle to find meaning in everyday life. 11 years later and it feels like a lot of things haven't changed. But that passion isn't there. Well, it still is, but you need time. Time plays a huge favor to a writer. Time is something I've lacked over the past 3 or 4 years. You spend 8 hours inside a Walmart and then you get home and what do you want to do? Television, sit around, fix something to eat. The last thing I want to do is to recap day in and day out what it is like to work at Walmart. I can explain it in one sentence, it's boring. It doesn't make for an interesting read and it hurts my head thinking about how monotonous the descriptions of each day would be like. Enough to make my brain bleed.
So I force closed that part of my life. If these words are medication to my soul then I've stopped taking my medication for years and it's wearing on me now. So let's just get this over with. Delaying the inevitable, let us tie up some of these stories. Maybe I'll let you know how things have gone over the past year and where I stand now.
To the Past...
The ex-girlfriend I still had a "thing" for...we never talk anymore and that desire died a long time ago. She still lives in Houston, I still live in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. She called things off back in 2005 and I was writing about how we had a fallout in friendship in '08. I wouldn't see her in person until March of 2010.
I made it down to Austin for the day for SXSW. I roamed the city by myself, drinking cheap (if not, free) beer. Drunk and stumbling around the city. I managed to make it to the Fader Fort and saw some of her friends. Only a matter of time before I would see her. I was going through a lot of shit at the time and started smoking cigarettes if I can remember vividly. Then I saw her, standing in the crowd. Hanging all over this random BMX rat. I laughed, chuckled to myself about how he looked like a piece of shit and she was all over him. Then it hit me, I got a little sad. I saw her situation and then I saw mine. We had grown so far apart it was unreal. Two different people who mean nothing to each other. I stood and watched, never did I approach them. She never saw me in the end. Alia hasn't seen me since sometime in 2007. I'm sure I'll run into her next March at SXSW. Maybe this time I'll say something. I'm sure hilarity will ensue. That's how that one ended.
Nothing ever materialized with Diana. She's nice, but things just kinda got drowned out. I would say she was never interested. She doesn't work at Walmart anymore and I haven't seen her since April of last year. We talk on occasion online, but that's it. Not much to say about that.
I am still in college. Graduated Fall of 2010, only to fail one class. So I'm graduating Spring of 2011. Remember when I said it was the last thing I wanted to do? Well, it happened. Now you can understand my frustrations at life.
I was dating a girl back at the beginning of '10. We lasted for about a month or two. She did me wrong and I failed to notice the warning signs. Needless to say, it didn't end too well and well, I don't talk to her anymore either....
Studied abroad in London last year over the summer. That was a trip of a lifetime.
Chased a girl that works at the bank in Walmart only to have no luck. Instead I've tried to change my outlook on women. Since the last one robbed me of what personal freedom of mind that I had left, I've decided to just play around and do what I do. Which is difficult seeing as I'm a fairly quiet guy. But yeah, that girl at the bank...I just play games with women now. I think she has a boyfriend too. Hmm..
I hang out with this guy Josue a lot. He's a good friend. We work together and just so happens we have some of the same devious hobbies. My wingman, not of the traditional, but more so just a good friend that I feel like I can confide in these days.. The lease here in Lewisville (Yes, when I started this blog I lived in Denton - moved last December) is up in June. Looks like I'll be living somewhere else with a roommate. It's a small curve ball in the game of life. Looks like it'll be interesting to see where some of these things go in the next couple of years...
And with that, I close out this chapter. For the future, this blog might be deleted. It might change its subject matter. No one really knows right now, not even I.
A blessing before I go....Don't distance yourself from everyone. Give people a shot. You never know when someone is actually going to impress you. After all, it is life and it does play a good game of "random". Have fun with it and trust others, but don't be surprised if that trust becomes broken. Take it with a grain of salt. We're all human after all and we've never been perfect.
"Now, to retire to that star out on the far end of the galaxy. To spend my days with you and only you until we both fade away and become one with the universe..."
Goodnight and good luck.
- www.reasontokill.livejournal.com
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