No One Ever Told Me

I probably woke up about 30 minutes ago. That was the roughest 8 hours of sleep I've ever taken. I slept fine and maybe it was just the dreaming and the light coming through the window late in the morning.

Similar to one of those retarded dreams where you go to school and have no clothes on. It wasn't as bad as the aforementioned example in the previous sentence, but it was almost to that point. Thank god those dreams are not suppose to be literal. I know better than to think that so there must be a hidden meaning behind dreams like this. Maybe I'm uncomfortable with something that I was originally comfortable with? Could be since no one really seemed to notice. I went so far as to alter my commute in the dream because I felt uncomfortable. Maybe I overreacted? My dreams have a funny way of materializing so I imagine that whatever it means, I'll find out about it up to 48 hours later.

Just like how I explained (about 2 posts ago) the girl that I had a problem with. Funny that I actually had a dream with her in it. Is it really common for people to dream about their ex's? I don't find it normal and it bugs me. I do know why I do it though... That's another time, another place that I know all too well. That was a blunt tipped arrow.

Either way, my reaction would be similar to how I feel about her at the moment. Not really anything interesting or complicating to it. It was just the bitter irony that she decided to talk to me the very next day. Even though we talked for the equivalent of....oooohhh...10 seconds. Then she proceeded to not want to talk to me and we haven't talked since even though I told her I was still a little upset and that even if I was I could still talk to her. Obviously a bad idea and it didn't work, obviously. "Whatever, your loss", were my last remaining words to her. Honestly, I would venture to say that it's my loss.

Speaking of losses, the other ex (I need to come up with specific names for these people. I don't like to name drop and I would like everything to stay anonymous) came and got her furniture at the apartment here. It's just about empty here now. I have 2 weeks left to listen to my voice echo off the walls. It will probably drive me insane and I find it a pain to have one computer chair and move it from the living room to the front room. The floor isn't as comfortable as I imagined. It was the first time I had seen her since April when she left me here. It's okay, it was mutual in the end. Some odd moments were around and at times I felt like I was just talking to the walls. My small talk usually went unnoticed by her and I guess I deserved that. I just felt horrible and it's a good thing her and her parents were only here for about an hour and a half. My mother and a close friend are all I've seen this summer. When they were done her parents wished me good luck for the fall semester, her father shook my hand, and what was said between her and I was nothing to write home about. I felt sorry and awkward. But I only hope that I don't cause her any pain like my last ex still does to me to this day. She moved back home, but she's suppose to move to College Station to attend school in the fall. We both knew things wouldn't last forever. We just didn't know when they would end.

No one ever told me that when I decided what I wanted to do with my life that I would have to leave people behind. It's a long, lonely climb to the top. Wonder if I'll ever make it...

For some reason when I listen to Breaking The Broken by Sparta I think of sunny days with cold air and cigarette smoke in Austin. I must of had a moment like this with the song. With almost every song I can go back into the past somewhere in some time frame. As sad as it can be sometimes, this is why I love music.

Texas

All these years living in Texas. The weather just seems to get worse and worse. When in all actuality it probably isn't. It's the humidity that kills people here, not the heat. Actually, they probably work as a combination. Still, after my $140 electricity bill from last month I've decided to cut way back on certain amenities like A/C. I come from a household that always ran the A/C from 72 to 78 degrees (occasionally bumped up to 80). Right now, it's set on 86 or 87 and I'm running my fan behind me.

At times, I've been watching the news and just out of curiosity I watch the weather to see what the record highs were on said days. A lot of 105's to 115's back in the 1980's. By todays standards, the temperatures that are occurring today are in no way, shape, or form even close to those of 20 or so years ago. I'm not trying to disprove global warming though. I believe in it, but we can't stop the Earth from completely shitting on itself. It's like a very fragile scale. Man has completely defied the laws and we've been shifting the scale in full tilt for the past several decades. That would be my take on it which would be defined as an opinion. I don't have a degree in climatology. Whether we're shifting it in the right direction? Well, that will be determined in 20 or 30 years.

Over time, I'll probably delve a little deeper into this subject. But for now, it's really fucking hot in here.

The Job/The Fight

It's Friday night and what is there to do? Nothing, of course. That's life when you're stuck in a town where you don't know anyone. Where you don't have any money. Where you don't have a job. What can you do? It bothers me, but not as much as it seems. I'm partial to nights now because it means everything is asleep. Only because it means that all the people who require that I give them money are not at work. I can rest easy knowing that I'm not being pondered about in a business matter. It's strange...I'll just leave it at that.

I needed a way to start typing and I was running on nothing.

I severely need a job though. I've applied out the wahzoo for the past 2 weeks now. I have been contacted by no one. Alas, the search continues on. I don't let it get me down for too long. I keep searching constantly. Today I took a break though. I will probably resume tomorrow. One of these days I will get a job. I highly doubt I'll have to end up packing everything up and return to living with my Mother. I'm banking on Monday. I will wait for Monday. Seems to be a theme for my summer.

All this extra time on my hands can lead one to think too much. Like having major fallouts with people. My own fault in certain ways. I don't have to stay mad at anyone forever, but I know better. I'm too stubborn to know better. But I did it my own way. I crossed my own line that I drew out in the sand. The morals that I hold so closely were the ones that I broke. Not talking to her is like punishing myself for some of the stupid things I did. Its been 2 weeks, but it feels like its been 2 years. Technically I could sit here and argue that its been 3 years as of....well, probably today.

That was probably the last time we really sat down and talked. It's probably the last time I've talked to her. Every other time I've seen her since then - shes just been someone different. Almost like she doesn't exist anymore. Sometimes people get so into themselves you wonder if they even know who they really are anymore.

Things I deserve for taking my own course in life. Its been years since I've probably seen and talked to some of my friends for a good amount of time. A good thing one of them got married back in June. I was able to see a lot of them for the first time in over 2 years. We seem to be scattered all over the great state of Texas.

But getting back to where I was...I drew the line and crossed it. I got mad because she treated it as if it was no big deal. And in the middle of all of this, I was left out in the dark. So I got mad, and when she went me text messages I didn't even bother to reply back.

One consisted of her talking about how she found a creepy note in her room from her ex (which wasn't me). So I think to myself, "ok?" The second one was telling me sorry that I wasn't in her top 8 and that I was technically 9th. This is where I got pissed. I already knew this and I wasn't really affected by it. Matter of fact, last time I checked the whole top 8 thing was 2005 for 16 year old girls. So why even bring it up?! I didn't respond. I just looked at it, read it, closed the phone, threw it on the bed and went back to sleep. It wasn't until I got incredible high during my 3 day 4th of July weekend where I considered responding. I didn't and thank god for that. I feel like I'm slightly notorious for starting shit where I'm either high or drunk. Who isn't though? Either way if I was going to talk to her I would rather be sober and off of illegal substances.

She makes me so mad (right now) yet I miss her so much. So, I will continue as if nothing is wrong.

Begin

I ran far away. I didn't tell people where I was going. I hinted off on where I might run to, but no one was probably listening. Hard to tell whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I just remember I had a problem with the people that read what I wrote, yet at the same time it felt like no one was watching. Not sure, things don't add up when I explain it that way.

Either way, I guess it happens like this. I started "blogging" back in 2001. There wasn't even a word for it back then. I just referred to it as typing online. Hard to believe it has almost been 7 years. Whatever.

I've written in so many places over this decade. I wonder why? Why can't it be just in one place? Why do I have to run back and forth, between blog and a physical journal? A red book from a blue book? Livejournal or Blogspot? What does it all mean? I've never really sat down and figured it all out. I imagine it's some complicated life puzzle. A part that I'm not ready to sit down and tame yet. Too many other things are going on right now. Or then again, am I just telling myself that?

Too many questions.
Not enough answers.
Too much life.
Not enough time.

So, I'm going to brainstorm here. There are questions of about life, school, music, a career, relationships, drugs (which are starting to play a bigger part as I get older), video games. These are all topics that seem to revolve around my life. Some may appear more shallow than other's, but usually people with closed minds seem to think up things like that. Therefore, I guess these topics will be discussed at a later date or in the near future. Oh yeah, and whatever is on my mind. After all, isn't that what blogging is all about? Typing your thoughts and putting them on the internet for people to see and maybe...just maybe they'll relate to it. To feel like we're not alone after all. A friend recently posted on her livejournal that typing things out was therapeutic. I could not agree more. It does help, but only to an extent at certain times. Kinda like the small print on an add. Everything in life comes with an asterisk and small print.

WE'RE ALL THE SAME
*yet we are also all different...

I guess that's how it works.

But this time around I'll try and be more thoughtful. Ok, maybe... I like to have a little fun, obviously. I've noticed that in my writings over all these years that the line begins to blur. What I type here, won't necessary be around forever. So, how do I define what is a public matter that I can share with everyone and what is a private matter that will never see the light of day and will stay in the journal that I keep hidden all throughout the apartment? Actually, since I'm the only one here it just sits out in the open for now. But still!

That should be it for now. I'll come back to point out something.

Edit: I really wanted the h5n1 url at blogspot, but some stupid idiot stole the name already. http://h5n1.blogspot.com . It's ridiculous, really. I'm tired of people talking about the end of the world. And to think, a perfectly good URL was just WASTED for this persons utter insanity. So, Tokyo Firestorm it is.