Soon...

I will update. One of these days. Promise.

Where Have You Not Been?

I've played this debacle over and over in my mind on whether or not I should let some of my friends in on this little secret (blog) of mine. I'm not hiding anything, so what is the point? Exactly nothing. It is the last bit of space that has been hidden from everyone. With the exception of one person, but they probably don't even read this thing or keep up with it.

I'm currently waiting for my rice to get done. I had a piece of pizza 30 minutes ago, but that wasn't enough.

These strange times. I can't tell if the windows are getting smaller or larger. All I know is I keep throwing myself into these weird spaces. I'm not sure how to react to these things. Somehow I get by and I guess I learn from all these instances. I carry myself across the threshold so many times that I rarely ever notice.

It affects more than just me and my every right. I haven't paid enough attention to my friends. With good reason though, they live in other cities. But the communication gap shouldn't be that far apart, least not in today's terms. I had one friend get married over the summer - eye opening experience. Now, another friend is engaged.

I wonder more about the future than ever. The day was intent on making take notice of the past. Something I try not to dwell on too much. So I gave up and I went back into the past. And tried to find correlations between topics of interest. This won't be the last time.

We talk to much. But I like it.

This Was Just A Sign

It will occur randomly. 5 worthy subjects worth talking about. Moments of inspiration, failures, the past, sadness, being way too busy, and/or caught up in a moment. They all seem to hit at the same time yet when I actually stop to think, they disappear.

Tonight I went to Best Buy simply because they had their pre-black Friday festivities going on tonight. It was invite only even though all I did was just walk in and take a raffle ticket. I stood around for awhile. Looked at Bluetooth headsets for cell phones because I would like to buy one for my mother. They had a pretty good buy one, get one half off deal. I decided to wait and possibly talk to her. Plus, I wanted to read the reviews.

I browsed just about everything in the store. When you're making good money, you're single, and living on your own - It's kinda hard to resist buying. I did a lot of looking and a lot of planning. Which gets us no where at the end of the day. Found an awesome, somewhat moderately, cheap receiver for a sound system. Looked at CD's for awhile. Ended up buying Digital Shades Volume 1 by M83 and Heart On by Eagles Of Death Metal. Well worth the 30 dollars I spent. In addition, the money I spent supports the artist. Still need to see M83 live one of these days.

Almost bought Resistence 2 for PS3. I decided I would stop myself there. I'll get it in a week...or a couple of weeks, or a month.

I walked in the line at the checkout and waited for one of the 1st 2 cashiers to get done so I could be next. One girl, one guy. I was pushing for the girl to get done first. Lucky me, got my 2 cd's and walked to her counter. It is becoming more obvoious to me that when I buy CD's that I'm really being judged by my cashier. "This one is really good", she points at the EoDM CD as I pull out my credit card. I agree and we make short small talk until it's time for me to leave. I'm wished away to "have a good night." Wish I got her name. I should of left my number or something. Wait, do guys even do that sort of thing? Oh well. That moment never progessed forward. This was just a moment that will stay in shape and form until it fades out.

I can barely keep awake.

This Won't Allow

Hate him.
Don't really care for her.
Think he's cool, but he's kinda annoying
Haven't talked to her in years.
Can't believe she didn't even bother. (I feel miserable about it)
Wonder what her life is like without me.
What does she think about me?
Wonder what their lives are like now, if they still know I'm here?
Haven't seen her in months.
Wonder what they all think of me - I try not to stare.
Hope you're doing ok...you probably are.
I can't really put you into one sentence...
But I do know that there is a foul distaste at the thought of him.


And I push it all off to the side.

Projection

I thought I had saved a draft from about a week and a half ago on here, but I guess it got deleted. Not like I was not going to do that to begin with.

I've exhausted myself beyond belief. I figured that if I got past the first 8 weeks of the semester that everything afterward would be fairly easy. Never been more wrong in my life than now.

The sun peered through the incoming clouds for a couple of minutes this morning. It's really dark outside right now. It's making me tired, but I'm afraid I'll fall asleep and not wake up in time for work.

Facebook adverts are asking me if I like Editors and if I like Asian girls? Whatever should I do?

I think I'm getting tired. Hope to get back here soon.

Be Quiet

One of these days...
-I won't be so sad.
-I won't be so busy.
-I'll write something on this blog.
-I will be done with this semester.
-UPS will deliver my package when I'm actually around.
-Things will make sense.
-I'll have a day off.
-I'll find out that I've been lying to myself.
-I will get sick.
-Someone will find me hiding in society and then they'll want to know me for the rest of their life.
-I'll find out that wishing gets me no where.

The Heart You Left In My Old Bed

So tired of just being alone. Tired of the "e" button sticking on my laptop too. I understand that if I want things to go the way they've been going that I'm going to have to leave it all like it is now. I don't really have time for anyone else. I shouldn't make time for anyone else.

I could of saved some money and bought some drinks for me and others, but I decided to get 2 shirts instead. Probably better off that I did that. There were a couple of girls I would of wanted to talk to, but I just didn't. That always seems to be my answer. But of course, 90% of the girls were dressed like sluts. The young man in me didn't care. The older man was turned off and frustrated by it. I need to learn to take it easy on some people.

As I stood waiting in between sets, a girl and her friend walked over close to my vicinity. I was worried that if I went over to talk to her I would just end up attracting the friend. Sounds dumb? Trust me, its happened before. Like I want that to happen again. And I know about a woman and her friend and the little games they'll play with men when one comes over. It's simple, I was outnumbered. What can we do about it now anyway?

It's starting to get cold outside.

I Keep Reminding Myself...

...That I have all these things I need to type down, but they all usually get lost in translation throughout the day. One of these days I'll learn to carry a notebook with me.

As for tomorrow...er, today. Off to the Granada Theater to catch The Presets and Cut Copy. Can't wait. Gotta go to sleep now. What makes this all better is that the Granada is close to my old stomping grounds as a young child (being that from ages 5 to 7). One of these days you'll find out that I'm very hard-pressed to stay in one place. In a way that it doesn't happen much.

Don't expect much in the form of pictures seeing as....
1. I wear tight jeans making it hard to carry an old bulky camera.
2. I have a phone with a sorry camera on it w/o a usb cable.

So much to catch up on, so much to forget.

No Subjecto Dos

I've been hesitant to type anything this week. I'm left wondering if people think that I've fallen off the face of the Earth? After awhile I seem to run across something like this - where so much has happened and is happening that I don't know where to start.

We finished editing on the documentary today for class. I'm not looking forward to showing it to everyone in class. I got to see another groups film that's in our class and I thought it was hilarious. Then I look at the film we did and I dunno. I asked her (my partner) if this was going to put people to sleep. She said no, so it shouldn't be that bad I hope.

Sorry for leaving off with that depressing note from the last post.

Since we're showing the film that means that my production class is a 3rd of the way done. We've been doing production in film and we move on to Video (Tv) production next week throughout the month of October. It should be a lot easier and less projects. Then it's on to Audio in November. I can't wait for that part of the class. Considering it's the main reason why I'm going into the RTVF program.

Week 5 of 16 is almost done. I've been impressed on how I've managed to keep up with all the classes. I'm struggling just a tad in Spanish which is frustrating since I made a B in that class last spring. Which should of been an A, but whatever. I feel like I'm really starting to fall behind in that class.

We Haven't Completely Lost The Day

I've found out through simple math that I'm getting around 4 hours of sleep every night...That's not that great.

I'm not one to listen to older music. That being from about 3 to 5 decades ago, but ever since Richard Wright of Pink Floyd passed away this week I've been listening to a little more Pink Floyd. Not a lot, but more than I have in the past. It takes me back to 10th grade at McNeil. I was taking geometry at the time after barely passing Algebra the year before. Such a struggle for me as a young kid. I ended up failing geometry horribly (I think). I really can't remember that much about it. I do remember I ended up with a really low grade for one part of the course. But this is all beside the point...

I had a teacher named Mr. Stokes. Already, the name was enough to catch my attention since this was the height of The Strokes being a well known band. By god, I can't remember the name of The Stroke's first album..."Barely Legal"? This is also beside the point. I keep breaking away from what I'm trying to get to here.

When I walked into his class room he had this weird shit playing on a mini boom box in his class room. Eventually, someone got curious and asked, "What the hell are you playing on your stereo?" Pink Floyd. Specifically, "Dark Side of the Moon". I can only tell know because songs like "Great Gig In The Sky" stand out from the times that I was in that class room. I thought it was so strange and everyone else was a little weird-ed out by it. I look back at it now and it seemed like the coolest place in the school. A place I still hate to this day. I never picked up Pink Floyd from that class room. I disregarded it because it was too old to me, it was the past. It meant nothing to me and plus there was all this good music I was discovering at the time. Forgive me, I was probably about 15 or 16 at the time. I still don't listen to Pink Floyd that much and I'm still not that crazy about them, but it's good enough to pick up and give it a listen. Where as, back in the day, I would of liked nothing more than to stop listening to old music. By the way, you could tell that Stokes had made his way into the present at the time, but his hair was still from 1970.

Aside from that tangent into the past, I managed to sleep through my 11 AM class. At least I got up for the 8 AM one. Still, if you knew me, you would know that I hate to miss class. It's something I rarely do now. Funny to think that a mere 3 years ago I missed about 2 weeks worth of classes because I was severely depressed. But it all happens for a reason doesn't it?

I catch myself thinking about this decade a lot (2000-2009). How it is almost over and how so much has changed. So much more from the previous decade. This time 8 years ago I was living in Austin. At this time I was probably getting ready to finish up a day of my freshmen year. I can't remember what class I was in exactly at this time, but I remember getting out at 4:07 every day - 5 days a week.

8 years into the future, my days are a little different. I'm living in the DFW area and I'm in college. It's 3:40 PM and I have to go to work at 6:30 PM. I was living with my parents 8 years ago. Now, I'm on my own. I'm in a place where I barely know anyone. I would of never thought I would of gotten this far in life. I figured back then that my days were going to by numbered before 2005. Strange to think in a way they almost were.

8 years into the future it's 2016. I'm 31 years old now. It seems sad that my twenties are over, but I maintain that life isn't over for me yet. I've always been a late-bloomer so I think the best is still yet to come. I wonder if I'll have a kid by then? I wonder if I will continue my education? It does me no good to think about it. One of these days I'll wake up and it'll be 2016. Just like I woke up today and it was 2008.

Eager

If you read my last post, you will be happy to know that somehow options 1 and 2 somehow happened to co-exist. Though I wish it was more of just the 2nd option than the first one, as stated in the last post.

Alive, but without power.

One of these days I'll make a Houston post. I like that place. I hope everyone in that area is okay. My two other friends made it out alive too.

Saturday prevails.

*Note: My parents and their house in Ganado are doing fine as well.

Black Out Hour

I suffered a rare mental breakdown tonight. I know what set it off, just how is another story that has left my perplexed. I don't understand life, why something that affected me 3 years ago can still get me today.

Either way, I've sat here for the past 6 hours watching Tv mostly - Ike stuff. It's getting really repetitive now. Nothing new, nothing that great, and I think all the people I know are going to be more than just okay. Of course, as I type this, the eye hasn't even gotten to Houston yet......:walks away to put trash bag in garbage:...well, its gotten a little more interesting. They claim they had 110 mph winds at Galveston. Nature has an impressive way of accomplishing certain feats.

But as today went by, I was getting curious about my friends. For the first time I'm about to name drop. I had to give it up eventually. Matt and Corn, good friends of mine, live in Spring. Out of curiosity I was wondering if they were going to stay or not and they did. Don't blame them, but they are a little dumb haha! But my ex-girlfriend goes to University of Houston. We haven't been on good speaking terms and we have the same friends (er, kinda). We aren't on good speaking terms because of things over the summer. What it's about? That is another time, another day. I asked another friend who lives in Oklahoma right now about our friends in Houston. She said that my ex would probably end up going to San Marcos. Wrong.

She stayed in Houston for some odd reason. Probably because she's dumb (but she isn't). I worry about her so much. She doesn't know and I don't think she should. She told me she was in Houston in our conversation when I asked if she was in Austin. I asked if she was staying with others, "Yeah." -"That's good." I asked her about the text message I sent to her yesterday. She said she got it and read it. Just so happens she never responded to it. Like I said, we haven't been on good speaking terms as of late.

I was infuriated with her, but I didn't say anything. I imagine shes probably staying with her boyfriend. I didn't ask, I had no grounds to ask that question.

Houston's getting it's shit knocked from head to toe now....Take it bitch.
I hope the shit comes straight for Dallas, just for the hell of it.

I would be lying if I said the thought didn't stir up emotions that I had 3 years ago. Same old story, new year. If I saw him right now, I'd spit in his face and put my fist to his face. I don't care for him, obviously.

So, is it obvious? That I still have feelings for her? I can't believe it myself. Actually, I don't want to believe it. Because everyone I tell will shake their head and count me in the wrong. My friend in Oklahoma (her best friend) wouldn't understand for sure. Not to say that I have a few information aces up my sleeve just in case I wanna do some damage. But that's beside the point. I'm suppose to be over her. I'm not suppose to think about her anymore. She's 5 hours away and she moved on. But she's beene taunting me the past 3 years. I can't shake her. I've never known another person like her. It's also because of her that I highly doubt I can meet anyone better. She did me wrong though. Very wrong. Once again, another time and another place.

There's two parts to my feelings right now.

1. I hope Houston gets their shit knocked clear outta Southeast Texas. I hope that her place floods or that she has no electricity for 3 weeks.

2. I hope to God that she's okay and unhurt and that she can return to her life like this all didn't happen.

Number 2 would also be the one that wants to see her every second instead of once every 6 months to a year and a half as a drunken encounter. Someone who wishes she would just randomly show up at his door. I can't stress enough how 2 > 1. This is the reason why I'm not asleep right now.

If their is a God, please hear me - just this once. I don't ask for much. I just want her to be safe.
When I fall asleep tonight, I'll be sleeping next to her 5 hours away..

No Subjecto 1

This has to be the kookiest month I have ever lived in and were only 10 days in. Actually, I can't remember if the whole Palin thing was last week or the week before, oh well. Still, we've managed to get a sense that the Earth might end, Texas will be hit by a major hurricane, and our President has gone trigger happy. On top of this, my world still turns. It's just been a busy week and I don't think it will really let up until Sunday possible...or December. Obviously I had enough time to sleep 5 hours this afternoon. That helps, you know, just wasted the entire day. Nice.

It's rained the whole fucking day. It rained all fucking day Tuesday and Monday night. It rained so much yesterday that I required a shower after class and before work. I had from 12:50 to 2:30 yesterday afternoon to fix something to eat and shower and rest. Needless to say, I didn't really get anything to eat. Plus after my little nap escapades today, I haven't eaten lunch either. I haven't had much in continuity of food in the past 48 hours. A piece of bread here, some goldfish there, finish the day off with a peanut butter sandwich. I'd like to use Sunday as a time to fix some decent food.

My family (that would be my Mother, Ste-father, Cat, and Dog) are probably going to evacuate on Thursday. Dunno when the damn thing is suppose to roll through. I am starting to worry now. If I didn't have a home here then it would probably be down in Ganado, Texas. Last time I checked, that was right smack-dab in the middle of the projected path.

Off to homework, sleep, class, and then work. Then class on Friday and another off night. Hooray!

Wish Me Good Luck

Week 3 of 16 begins in...

7 hours. I'm fucking ready. Lets get this over with. More later.

I Have Never

The guy upstairs keeps banging around really loud. Like he's banging a hammer against the wall. Really doesn't bother me though. Well, I think I'm lying.

There's this great downfall in human life and what a body can take. For the longest time I've felt like I had the body of an 18 year old. After the past couple of days I've determined that's a lie.

And I think that's all I'm going to write for right now.

Girls & Bikes

Such a simple title for a spur of the moment post. I have some down time between class and work so the week is starting off better than what I thought. Considering that the last post I made yesterday makes it seem like I was not too hopeful.

All my life I've never biked specifically to go places. If anything it's one of those backseat hobbies I had as a teenager. I didn't learn how to ride a bike till I was about 13 or 14 I believe. Yes, that is late, but after watching an episode of Oprah where a lady didn't learn until she was in her forties - I figured it wasn't that bad to learn as late as I did. Riding a bike is fucking hard as shit. I still can't ride with no hands. I'm trying to get it right.

Fortunately, I haven't fallen...yet. There have been a couple close calls. One of the most annoying though sometimes good things about riding a bike on campus is the people traffic. People ultimately figure that I'm in a hurry. I am and then again I'm not. It becomes a hassle when you have to slow down so much that you can't balance yourself anymore. Sometimes I'll just get off and walk until traffic lightens up and then hop back on.

I did have a close call today. A girl kinda merged into the lane I was going to take in between her and another person. If I was a second late I would of hit one of them. Wouldn't you know? Time was on my side today. So they both got away unharmed. It was my fault though because I decided to finally get brave and start zooming past people at a moderately paced speed. This is why I usually bike really slow and sometimes stay behind people. I'd rather be late in the end than hurt someone.

So I finally got to where I was going. Parked my bike, walked inside and then low and behold!...

As I walked past the mini-bar-esque (similar to a bistro I guess) place I saw this girl that looked oddly familiar. Someone I had seen before? Yes. Had I talked to her before? No... But as I got a little closer I remember she was the one from over the summer. This was at a time before this blog was ever created. Back on my old journal, lost in the space of internet. Of a 5 week class we somewhat traded glances for the first week or two. We just about always sat across the room from each other. So it was very hard to talk to her. But there she was today, standing and waiting for a cup of something or other. Standing right by the stairs I was going to go up to get to class. So did I not talk to her? Didn't seem like a rational thing to do at the time. Seeing that I had just biked 1.2 miles and I was noticeable out of breath and struggling to put one foot in front of the other. On top of that, having a class on the 3rd floor wasn't the most lovely thing at all. But I was so stunned at the time.

I guess since I just dropped this story on you I should provide a little back story. I already said that we had the same class together. Everyday after class I would fight the courage up to go talk to her, but I never could. I failed everytime I tried. Some days felt like they were easier than others. Likewise for the opposite as well. To this day, I've never had someone affect me in such a profound way. It was almost utter nonsense to think of it. We never talked, but she could cloud my mind very easily. Day dreaming is so easy, but I would always stop myself short. After all, this girl just about had my heart, but we never said a word to each other.

I went so far as to text a good friend that I needed help talking to this girl. She gave great words of incouragement that were not enough to even make me budge. I also told another friend of mine, but wasn't really looking for advice. He would ask me how my days were going and what not.

Anyways, the last day came - finals. I finished a little ahead of her and had a final later that day so I decided to stick around in the lobby and wait for her to leave the room. She did, and right passed me. Sensing that my time was about to be up, I got up from the table I was sitting at and walked thru the door behind her. At this point, I felt stalkerish so I stopped as soon as I got out the door to the building. I left myself there. Watched her walk away and in my mind wished her good luck in life. And maybe, just maybe we would run into each other again. Something I was not counting on at all.

I later told my friend that asks me about all the things going on in my life. He didn't really understand. Felt like I should of just talked to her. I couldn't agree more... A mere week later for the second half of the summer semester I saw her walking on campus. As I passed her I felt this funny little feeling about life. How ironic it could be at times. I thought I would see her again that semester, but I never did.

And then the irony that fell right into my lap today. All I could think about in the next class was latitude, longitude, and this girl. Though, as I did walk upstairs I noticed she got her drink and walked quietly inside room 115. So there it is, now I know where she is every Tuesday and Thursday and at what time. Sadly, I'm only at the ESAT every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. All the more that when I ride my bike around campus I need to look people in the face. It may payoff one of these days.

On another note: I have a class project coming up where I have to make a short 3 to 5 minute movie with a partner. Just so happens I pick one of 3 girls in the class. And I pick one that is actually very cute. We didn't talk much and by god I never got her name either ha! But I fear for my grade now. She seems kinda ditzy and out-there. If you could see me now, I would be burying my face in my hands right now. The project is due in 3 weeks. Shit, I hope this goes by like a breeze. Possibly more on her later... I need to eat and possibly take a nap. Later.

Never Been So Sad To See You Leave

I used this past weekend as a quick relief. Something to do to get away from those 8 AM classes. I succeeded in the most part. Stayed up till 4 AM and slept in till 1 in the afternoon. Something I probably won't get to do again until Saturday night. Even then I'm going to try and go to sleep early if I can.

There has been an intense amount of pressure to wake up on time and get to the buildings on time. This is the last big push for my college experience. I'm not graduating anytime soon that's for sure. I need all these classes to get into my major. I have another 2 to 2 and a half years left probably. I'm trying to bank on 2 years.

I think my Father has taken me out to eat about 3 times this weekend. Everyday except for today and he later told me online that he was sorry he didn't feed me again today. I really didn't expect it, honestly. Once was more than enough. It was really the only time I left this place. I tried to spend as much time as possible sitting around doing nothing and relaxing. Because I know the next time all of this will stop will be after December 12th and even then life never stops.

I primarily wanted to catch up on laundry and I did. The basket is just about empty now. I fixed up the bathroom a little. I think I'm going to try and fix some other little things up on Thursday or Sunday. Or possible later knowing me. I noticed that I have Friday and Saturday off the week after next.

Finally, my ex-gf asks me about apartment deposits seeing as that I just moved out and we were living together at one point before a mental wall fell between us. I'm glad she's where she's at now. She lives with her sister and brother now in East Central Texas. Going to parties all the time and what not. She wasn't on long enough for me to ask if she had a job yet or how the classes and life were going. I loved her family to death and they were always so nice to me. Now, they could really all care less about me. When she came to get her furniture from the apartment back at the end of July she came up with her parents. They cleaned the place out - seeing as that all the furniture was just about hers except for the stuff in the bedroom. It was a welcomed sight and a sad setting seeing those people and all that stuff go. It all meant forward progess to me though. That I was moving on to bigger and better things. So it was very sad, yet at the same time it was a changing time for the better.

I wonder why it always happens in the end? I seem to peg myself with all these questions that I don't even know if they should even imply anything to me. Am I out running everyone and everything? So much so that I sit here alone in a city where I barely know anyone. Or do people just not like me, they just don't feel like staying around? Is it me? Is it them? Or is this just some cruel fate in my life at this point?

Everyone I know, every friend, has moved on. They all have new friends now. Some of them don't even talk to me anymore. Let alone they'll barely give me the time of day. It would be unfair to prosecute them. I'm the one that's probably pushed everyone away.

Ad: Seeking Presidential Candidate Who's Not White/Male

I guess this was bound to happen eventually. You know, where a political race becomes so heated that we tend to forget the politics and focus on the candidates skin color and/or personal gender. It's difficult for me to talk about this, seeing that I'm a white 23 year old male in America. Somehow I embody the perfect image of a male from America. Something I didn't really ask for and it's something I definitely don't agree with (that discussion is for another time).

I voted back in 2004. I won't deny it, I voted for Bush. Trust me, I'm not happy with how my vote came out. But at least I have the guts to sit here and tell you that I voted for him and not Kerry. After the old '04 election I decided that this time around it was time for me to pay more attention and make a more informed decision on this race. I don't think it's the race to end all races, but this is a pretty important time for about 300 million people living in one given area on the planet. It's having one man (or woman!) become a representative to our country. And so it begins...

I've grown up, I've been taught in public schools and there's this thing I notice. All presidents past and present have been old (except Kennedy I.M.O.) white males. So when the race started to boil up probably over a year ago I took notice that there was a somewhat young African American man and a woman running for president. I'll admit that this isn't the right way to think politically, but I thought this was great. I didn't even know their ideals and I was just about set on voting for one of them. I figured it was time for a change. I was sick and tired of seeing the same person of color and the same person of gender in the oval office. As time went on, I noticed that both people were making great representation of themselves and most of the time I was agreeing with that they were saying.

So, we all know the events that have unfolded over the past year. Obama essentially won out for the Democratic nomination and Clinton was left to flounder in the dust of the epic presidential race. Everyone loved them both so much that they wanted Obama to make her the Vice President for his nomination ticket. This didn't happen which to be honest was a good thing and a bad thing. Sadly, it infuriated Clinton followers so much that they decided they didn't even want to vote Obama. They would rather vote for someone else on the other party. Somone who embodies the things that Bush is and has done in the past 8 years to an extent. So here I am, on the outside looking in at all these people. All these able-bodied followers and I'm left wondering what are we voting for here?

Of all things that probably set this post off was when a fellow friend who attends the same college I do managed to post a status update on his facebook with this:

http://www.hillaryclintonforum.net/discussion/showthread.php?t=26179

As you may well know this is obviously a Hillary Clinton forum. (der..) What follows are some of this outmost, outright, dumest things I think anyone has ever said. Even worse, it's from the smarter sex - women (sorry dudes, it is true I believe). These so called devoute followers have obviously been so upset with the D.N.C. and Obama that they're willing to vote McCain just because he decided to go with Governor Palin for his V.P. candidate. So Hillary doesn't make the Democratic nomination so all the followers are going to go vote for another woman (who isn't running for the Presidential spot) on another party. A party and a person that Hillary would be running against. Oooooh, okay.

I don't get it. Woman are trying everything to get one woman into one of the two big chairs in D.C. To a certain degree I'm okay with that and I think it's great, BUT it just makes all these people look shallow and pardon me, dumb. Obviously these women (and probably some men) want nothing more than to get any woman into the office. So much so that they don't even care who she is. They would rather vote for someone who is pro-life than pro-choice? They're willing to switch and possibly risk the lives of others in this country just so we can get her in there.

Well, if that's what you want to do? Go ahead. Let's run down that road for another 4 more years. Oh! After all McCain is one who doesn't tend to run with the pack in the republican party. Bullshit! Obviously the republicans want it so bad that they're trying to trick the people of this country into another 4 more years. I smell bullshit.

Here's a stab at more people. This is to all those who don't want someone of inexperience in the white house. Those who won't vote for Obama because of this topic. News flash - what happened back in 2004. Our country was in post-terrorism attack and were in 2 wars. It was Bush v. Kerry. Now, if you're still pondering why this jackass (me) would vote for Bush it was because I felt that our country was in a fragile state. We needed someone who was going to finish what was started during their term. I believed he could fix it and I didn't want Kerry taking care of things he was never apart of. Okay, he was technically a part of it in some way, but still you know what I'm talking about. Well, 4 years later and look where we are. The country to me is almost in complete ruins and some of us are struggling to make it. Many men have died courageously in a war that should of never been fought, but was. Iraq was going to be dealt with eventually in my opinion. No one knew it was going to take this long.

So when you talk about not wanting someone inexperienced in the ring, look back to the past 4 years. How far have we gotten from 2004?

And then you have people like my Mother who insists on voting McCain. Which is by all means completely fine, but doesn't understand why Obama is so completely un-American. And then I think to myself. Wow, wait a minute, if he was so against us, wouldn't he not be here? It's outlandish to think. She claims he refuses to wear an American flag pinon his lapel and put his hand over his heart at the pledge of alligence and that he sides with the Muslims. I'm not going to really comment specifically on most of these situations because I would have to break all that into 5 different posts. Needless to say, he had an American flag pin on his jacket Thursday night. How would my mother explain that one?...

It's the underlying motives. Were voting for the political beliefs, but when we step into that booth and vote for Obama, secretly it will be because we don't want another white president. Or when we step in vote for McCain it will be because we don't want to see another woman get snubbed off the ballot like Elizabeth Dole and Hillary Clinton. We won't admit it, but that's what this has all become.

So maybe this is [in some non-literal way] the race to end all races. On November 4th, not only will the United States of America be watching it's biggest presidential race in history, but the rest of planet Earth will be as well. Lord knows the rest of the world ran around screaming their heads off when we voted Bush into a 2nd term.

As for me, I haven't delved deeper into the political nature of this race. I still think I need to be educated on what each person wants to do. For that matter, I think McCain looks like a great nomination for the republican party, but I think Obama does a great job as well. I think Palin is a great V.P. nomination for the republican party ticket. As for Biden, still trying to figure that guy out...

I feel like I just made a semi-racist/sexist post. Even though I didn't.

Connection

Two days in and feel like giving mercy. I think I'll be fine. Haven't done much outside of school and work the past 48 hours. That's just the way it'll have to be for now. If I ever want to get out of college I'm just going to have to get through some tough times.

At the start of every semester I usually wait about a half week to buy books. I'll scope out the prices and see if I can get cheaper or used books. Two of them were priced over a $100 and they're brand new. Luckily, I don't really need one right now, but I need the other one. They have these neat little plastic study sheet things too for like $5 a pop. Think I'll buy some of those too.

I finally get a day off. I worked 4 days straight from last Friday to this past Monday.

I wonder if people can hear my bass from inside this tiny old apartment? I don't even have it turned all the way up and plus I have it sitting right next to a wall. One of these days I'll run into one of my neighbors and ask 'em.

Urban Feel

I've made it to the new place. I feel like I've broken away from everything I've grown up with. That's a little hard for others to understand seeing that I've only had this thing for a month.

It isn't perfect. It's actually pretty small. I still have boxes all over the place and the carpet already needs to be vacuumed. I have ants which have now managed to overtake my laptop. The very laptop I'm typing on right now. I have a small feeling they might be crazy ants. They're super small that's for sure. I wouldn't trade a shower here for anything in the world. What a wonderful feeling from such a lonely little semi-dump apartment.

Nothing, but a bunch of guys around. I've seen very little in the female option around here. I know the guy above me, once he starts moving around. He really starts moving around a lot. Doesn't bother me at all.

This place is all me right now in my life. Small, dark, hole-in-the-wall.

The job, well, it has been a job to say the least. All the pretty rich people come in all the time and shop. Such a strange place to work. I'm making a lot of money out there so I'm trying to curb a meaning into liking it and not hating it.

For some reason I've been drawn to this girl that works in the electronics department. If I'm not mistaken she called my name out the first day I was on the floor. My name - "Hey, new kid!" I gawked at being called a new kid. That's almost too juvenile to an extent. But I look now I shrug at it. Do I really look that young from 20 feet away? Either way, when I zone (do my business work at the office) I'm usually right across from electronics. If I'm not mistaken either she looked my way a couple of times and I traded a glance back. Fortunate for us, we both got off at the same time. EXCEPT, I ended up having to stay 30 minutes late. Towards the end of my shift though I noticed she was walking around. She came over into the section I was working and kinda looked around. I didn't say anything, but whatever.

It's 3 AM and I'm tired now. Long day of pre-schooling tomorrow (today)

1253 - 83 - Wish I Could Talk To Her

Mother is in town now. Getting ready to do a lot of moving and apartment stuff until Saturday. She goes back home on Sunday and I go back to work Sunday night.

Got the job at Wal-mart, but I'll spare everyone the complaints for now. They'll be sure to follow, but when you're making over $9/hour - you can't help but keep your mouth shut (for a little while).

Something on the news about birth control and attraction now. I've heard this story for the 2nd time in the past couple of years. I'm starting to believe it now. Something about how B.C. affects the perception of a women's smell for the opposite sex. Sounds strange doesn't it?

I noticed I have collected 2 more flags on the side of the page. Good to see people from other countries visiting websites from around the world. Not sure why I added a flag counter to this page, but I'm glad I did now. Really wanted to see who visits these things and where from. I think those new flags are Netherlands and the U.K. Speaking of which, I was really diggin' those gray suits with the orange ties for the Olympic competitors for the Netherlands in the open ceremonies.

Speaking of the Olympics, still very pissed about the USA losing to Nigeria in futbol. Wish I could do something about it...

I should go to sleep now. I probably won't be back on until next Tuesday. It'll be awhile before I can get internet at the new place. Here's to hoping for great times.

I Remember Now.

But now it doesn't seem so grand like it did to me yesterday.

It was swimming in Houston, the summer, and the chlorine. The days I spent hanging out with my aunt(s) and their dogs and how I use to bank of going swimming in the pool at the apartment complex they would be living in. When I was little I use to remember that it felt like Houston went on forever. Almost to big to imagine. It was always sunny too. Of course, it should be when you go swimming.

I think I got caught up in the moment of it. Something reminded me of it and it seemed as if I could taste the air of Houston in the mid 1990's (which probably wasn't that great, but as compared to today) and I felt like I could feel the sun on my skin again.

All nice/cool/good/great things must come to an end though. Both of my aunt's ended up moving. They both now reside in the deep east of Texas. One of them ended up moving to Austin and Dallas in the mean time. Sometime before the end of the decade I think. It's not on occasion that I miss sorely, but it was like discovering a part of your life that you forgot at one time or another.

The sun is now in its evening position as it is casting a tan-yellow shadow along the walls of my living room. Not too bright, but enough to keep the room well lit. It is a comforting color.

Air

Is everything as small as we think it is? Is it even possible to think of the big picture, or have we been selling ourselves short all along? The brain has an amazing way of coming up with what seem like an infinite number of questions yet it falls so short in the answer category. So many ways, so many reasons.

Sometimes I wonder, 2 seconds before you die, do you figure out what the meaning of life is? The major human conquest is to figure out the answer to that lone question. At times, it's silly to say that I feel like I've found the answer to that question. Yet, every time I find a good answer, I find a better answer. Honestly, the way to figure out the meaning of life is to live a life. I don't think it can be put into words and I believe it takes a lifetime to figure it out. At 23, that would probably be my answer. How much can I bet myself that the answer will probably change when I'm 35?

I think we look for a more material answer though. Such as - God is the reason why we are here. Or science and its splendid world of biology put us here. All in all, quite possible. I wouldn't deny any of those answers. It is what it is, so on and so on.

I don't try and bend myself over it. There are too many feelings to feel and the world is a constant changing place. Today, I got a weird case of (somewhat) deja vu. I wish I can remember what it was specifically, but I can't put my finger on it. It was comforting because it was a thought I had not felt since I was a young kid. Going there felt amazing and new - and now it's gone. One of these nights I'll find it again. Here's to hoping it doesn't take another 23 years.

China Syndrome

So, I'm moving next week. I'm in the bloody mess of a job search. Can anything go right this month?

I called Verizon a couple of days ago....wait, actually I called them about a week ago and asked them if I could move my service to the new apartment. Through the whole 20 minute conversation we (me and the service rep) determine that it would be better for me to call the local rep and ask about service. Needless to say, the apartment address wouldn't show up on their records...at all! Fast forward about a week (2 days ago) and I call the guy to ask him about service in that area. He doesn't rightly know off hand and decides to call another man with Verizon to determine what the situation is. He says he'll call me right back. Wrong turn number one, he never calls back and it has been 2 days. He will either get a call tomorrow (pending on other things that will be mentioned later) or an email tonight. So I imagine that by the time I get this all fixed up I will have to sit around without media services for about 2 weeks... And that will go down very well.

Then I start to realize that something is up. I just got off the phone with the electric/water company. I need to turn the services on before the 11th and what not, I don't know. I tell the lady my new address (after being on hold for about 10 minutes) and she tells me that the address doesn't exist in their records. I'm spechless by now... I tell her that I'm going to have to get to the bottom of this and figure out just what is going on here. Which leads me to present time.

I'm starting to think that I'm going to need to contact the new apartment office and just ask them how the hell am I suppose to turn these services on?! A simple phone call will not suffice, so this must be a personal meeting at their office. I'm not going to savagely murder them (mentally) and demand that something be done. I just want to know, what the hell am I suppose to do?...

The pin mishap has technically been fixed. No one has contacted me since I fixed everything. In the mean time I have technically been offered a job as a service lot attendant at a car dealership. A lot more hours, a lot less pay - compared to the retail job. I'm also trying to gun for other jobs as well. Someones heart is going to get broken in the end. But, that's what all these fucking businesses get for fucking around and not hiring me right away and not paying me a lot and being complete jerks. Oh, and heads are going to roll.

And I Wonder...

found @ babibubebo.com

I would like to explore certain parts of the world and find locations like this. Not like it is all interesting to anyone other than me. I just think it's neat that there's a futbol pitch with a high rise next to it.

I don't like taking pictures from other sites, but on occasion I do it. Reminds me, I need to buy a camera already. I've been looking on and off again for the past 2 or 3 years.

Over the past 48 or so

Finally got offered a job. But, everytime I go to work at a major retailer I have to jump through hoops to get the job. I have no idea how I'm going to alter the application and change it since I don't even have a pin to access it. Whatever.

Happy August of 2008. The summer is almost over. Almost time to get back to work and not sit around all the time. It gets boring obviously. One more week of Biology with a test and a final. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me a bit that the final is on a Friday instead of Thursday like it's suppose to be. Back ass retarded idea on someones part.. Almost time to move. I can't wait until things actually go through instead of being in mid-drift like they are now.

Time to call it an early night. I haven't showered in days probably and the triple digit heat is starting to get to me. It's suppose to be 104 on Monday. I'm going to try and make it to the bed tonight instead of falling short and ending up asleep on the living room floor. I don't want to have to stumble around at 6 A.M. again to get back into the bed.

No One Ever Told Me

I probably woke up about 30 minutes ago. That was the roughest 8 hours of sleep I've ever taken. I slept fine and maybe it was just the dreaming and the light coming through the window late in the morning.

Similar to one of those retarded dreams where you go to school and have no clothes on. It wasn't as bad as the aforementioned example in the previous sentence, but it was almost to that point. Thank god those dreams are not suppose to be literal. I know better than to think that so there must be a hidden meaning behind dreams like this. Maybe I'm uncomfortable with something that I was originally comfortable with? Could be since no one really seemed to notice. I went so far as to alter my commute in the dream because I felt uncomfortable. Maybe I overreacted? My dreams have a funny way of materializing so I imagine that whatever it means, I'll find out about it up to 48 hours later.

Just like how I explained (about 2 posts ago) the girl that I had a problem with. Funny that I actually had a dream with her in it. Is it really common for people to dream about their ex's? I don't find it normal and it bugs me. I do know why I do it though... That's another time, another place that I know all too well. That was a blunt tipped arrow.

Either way, my reaction would be similar to how I feel about her at the moment. Not really anything interesting or complicating to it. It was just the bitter irony that she decided to talk to me the very next day. Even though we talked for the equivalent of....oooohhh...10 seconds. Then she proceeded to not want to talk to me and we haven't talked since even though I told her I was still a little upset and that even if I was I could still talk to her. Obviously a bad idea and it didn't work, obviously. "Whatever, your loss", were my last remaining words to her. Honestly, I would venture to say that it's my loss.

Speaking of losses, the other ex (I need to come up with specific names for these people. I don't like to name drop and I would like everything to stay anonymous) came and got her furniture at the apartment here. It's just about empty here now. I have 2 weeks left to listen to my voice echo off the walls. It will probably drive me insane and I find it a pain to have one computer chair and move it from the living room to the front room. The floor isn't as comfortable as I imagined. It was the first time I had seen her since April when she left me here. It's okay, it was mutual in the end. Some odd moments were around and at times I felt like I was just talking to the walls. My small talk usually went unnoticed by her and I guess I deserved that. I just felt horrible and it's a good thing her and her parents were only here for about an hour and a half. My mother and a close friend are all I've seen this summer. When they were done her parents wished me good luck for the fall semester, her father shook my hand, and what was said between her and I was nothing to write home about. I felt sorry and awkward. But I only hope that I don't cause her any pain like my last ex still does to me to this day. She moved back home, but she's suppose to move to College Station to attend school in the fall. We both knew things wouldn't last forever. We just didn't know when they would end.

No one ever told me that when I decided what I wanted to do with my life that I would have to leave people behind. It's a long, lonely climb to the top. Wonder if I'll ever make it...

For some reason when I listen to Breaking The Broken by Sparta I think of sunny days with cold air and cigarette smoke in Austin. I must of had a moment like this with the song. With almost every song I can go back into the past somewhere in some time frame. As sad as it can be sometimes, this is why I love music.

Texas

All these years living in Texas. The weather just seems to get worse and worse. When in all actuality it probably isn't. It's the humidity that kills people here, not the heat. Actually, they probably work as a combination. Still, after my $140 electricity bill from last month I've decided to cut way back on certain amenities like A/C. I come from a household that always ran the A/C from 72 to 78 degrees (occasionally bumped up to 80). Right now, it's set on 86 or 87 and I'm running my fan behind me.

At times, I've been watching the news and just out of curiosity I watch the weather to see what the record highs were on said days. A lot of 105's to 115's back in the 1980's. By todays standards, the temperatures that are occurring today are in no way, shape, or form even close to those of 20 or so years ago. I'm not trying to disprove global warming though. I believe in it, but we can't stop the Earth from completely shitting on itself. It's like a very fragile scale. Man has completely defied the laws and we've been shifting the scale in full tilt for the past several decades. That would be my take on it which would be defined as an opinion. I don't have a degree in climatology. Whether we're shifting it in the right direction? Well, that will be determined in 20 or 30 years.

Over time, I'll probably delve a little deeper into this subject. But for now, it's really fucking hot in here.

The Job/The Fight

It's Friday night and what is there to do? Nothing, of course. That's life when you're stuck in a town where you don't know anyone. Where you don't have any money. Where you don't have a job. What can you do? It bothers me, but not as much as it seems. I'm partial to nights now because it means everything is asleep. Only because it means that all the people who require that I give them money are not at work. I can rest easy knowing that I'm not being pondered about in a business matter. It's strange...I'll just leave it at that.

I needed a way to start typing and I was running on nothing.

I severely need a job though. I've applied out the wahzoo for the past 2 weeks now. I have been contacted by no one. Alas, the search continues on. I don't let it get me down for too long. I keep searching constantly. Today I took a break though. I will probably resume tomorrow. One of these days I will get a job. I highly doubt I'll have to end up packing everything up and return to living with my Mother. I'm banking on Monday. I will wait for Monday. Seems to be a theme for my summer.

All this extra time on my hands can lead one to think too much. Like having major fallouts with people. My own fault in certain ways. I don't have to stay mad at anyone forever, but I know better. I'm too stubborn to know better. But I did it my own way. I crossed my own line that I drew out in the sand. The morals that I hold so closely were the ones that I broke. Not talking to her is like punishing myself for some of the stupid things I did. Its been 2 weeks, but it feels like its been 2 years. Technically I could sit here and argue that its been 3 years as of....well, probably today.

That was probably the last time we really sat down and talked. It's probably the last time I've talked to her. Every other time I've seen her since then - shes just been someone different. Almost like she doesn't exist anymore. Sometimes people get so into themselves you wonder if they even know who they really are anymore.

Things I deserve for taking my own course in life. Its been years since I've probably seen and talked to some of my friends for a good amount of time. A good thing one of them got married back in June. I was able to see a lot of them for the first time in over 2 years. We seem to be scattered all over the great state of Texas.

But getting back to where I was...I drew the line and crossed it. I got mad because she treated it as if it was no big deal. And in the middle of all of this, I was left out in the dark. So I got mad, and when she went me text messages I didn't even bother to reply back.

One consisted of her talking about how she found a creepy note in her room from her ex (which wasn't me). So I think to myself, "ok?" The second one was telling me sorry that I wasn't in her top 8 and that I was technically 9th. This is where I got pissed. I already knew this and I wasn't really affected by it. Matter of fact, last time I checked the whole top 8 thing was 2005 for 16 year old girls. So why even bring it up?! I didn't respond. I just looked at it, read it, closed the phone, threw it on the bed and went back to sleep. It wasn't until I got incredible high during my 3 day 4th of July weekend where I considered responding. I didn't and thank god for that. I feel like I'm slightly notorious for starting shit where I'm either high or drunk. Who isn't though? Either way if I was going to talk to her I would rather be sober and off of illegal substances.

She makes me so mad (right now) yet I miss her so much. So, I will continue as if nothing is wrong.

Begin

I ran far away. I didn't tell people where I was going. I hinted off on where I might run to, but no one was probably listening. Hard to tell whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I just remember I had a problem with the people that read what I wrote, yet at the same time it felt like no one was watching. Not sure, things don't add up when I explain it that way.

Either way, I guess it happens like this. I started "blogging" back in 2001. There wasn't even a word for it back then. I just referred to it as typing online. Hard to believe it has almost been 7 years. Whatever.

I've written in so many places over this decade. I wonder why? Why can't it be just in one place? Why do I have to run back and forth, between blog and a physical journal? A red book from a blue book? Livejournal or Blogspot? What does it all mean? I've never really sat down and figured it all out. I imagine it's some complicated life puzzle. A part that I'm not ready to sit down and tame yet. Too many other things are going on right now. Or then again, am I just telling myself that?

Too many questions.
Not enough answers.
Too much life.
Not enough time.

So, I'm going to brainstorm here. There are questions of about life, school, music, a career, relationships, drugs (which are starting to play a bigger part as I get older), video games. These are all topics that seem to revolve around my life. Some may appear more shallow than other's, but usually people with closed minds seem to think up things like that. Therefore, I guess these topics will be discussed at a later date or in the near future. Oh yeah, and whatever is on my mind. After all, isn't that what blogging is all about? Typing your thoughts and putting them on the internet for people to see and maybe...just maybe they'll relate to it. To feel like we're not alone after all. A friend recently posted on her livejournal that typing things out was therapeutic. I could not agree more. It does help, but only to an extent at certain times. Kinda like the small print on an add. Everything in life comes with an asterisk and small print.

WE'RE ALL THE SAME
*yet we are also all different...

I guess that's how it works.

But this time around I'll try and be more thoughtful. Ok, maybe... I like to have a little fun, obviously. I've noticed that in my writings over all these years that the line begins to blur. What I type here, won't necessary be around forever. So, how do I define what is a public matter that I can share with everyone and what is a private matter that will never see the light of day and will stay in the journal that I keep hidden all throughout the apartment? Actually, since I'm the only one here it just sits out in the open for now. But still!

That should be it for now. I'll come back to point out something.

Edit: I really wanted the h5n1 url at blogspot, but some stupid idiot stole the name already. http://h5n1.blogspot.com . It's ridiculous, really. I'm tired of people talking about the end of the world. And to think, a perfectly good URL was just WASTED for this persons utter insanity. So, Tokyo Firestorm it is.