The Job/The Fight

It's Friday night and what is there to do? Nothing, of course. That's life when you're stuck in a town where you don't know anyone. Where you don't have any money. Where you don't have a job. What can you do? It bothers me, but not as much as it seems. I'm partial to nights now because it means everything is asleep. Only because it means that all the people who require that I give them money are not at work. I can rest easy knowing that I'm not being pondered about in a business matter. It's strange...I'll just leave it at that.

I needed a way to start typing and I was running on nothing.

I severely need a job though. I've applied out the wahzoo for the past 2 weeks now. I have been contacted by no one. Alas, the search continues on. I don't let it get me down for too long. I keep searching constantly. Today I took a break though. I will probably resume tomorrow. One of these days I will get a job. I highly doubt I'll have to end up packing everything up and return to living with my Mother. I'm banking on Monday. I will wait for Monday. Seems to be a theme for my summer.

All this extra time on my hands can lead one to think too much. Like having major fallouts with people. My own fault in certain ways. I don't have to stay mad at anyone forever, but I know better. I'm too stubborn to know better. But I did it my own way. I crossed my own line that I drew out in the sand. The morals that I hold so closely were the ones that I broke. Not talking to her is like punishing myself for some of the stupid things I did. Its been 2 weeks, but it feels like its been 2 years. Technically I could sit here and argue that its been 3 years as of....well, probably today.

That was probably the last time we really sat down and talked. It's probably the last time I've talked to her. Every other time I've seen her since then - shes just been someone different. Almost like she doesn't exist anymore. Sometimes people get so into themselves you wonder if they even know who they really are anymore.

Things I deserve for taking my own course in life. Its been years since I've probably seen and talked to some of my friends for a good amount of time. A good thing one of them got married back in June. I was able to see a lot of them for the first time in over 2 years. We seem to be scattered all over the great state of Texas.

But getting back to where I was...I drew the line and crossed it. I got mad because she treated it as if it was no big deal. And in the middle of all of this, I was left out in the dark. So I got mad, and when she went me text messages I didn't even bother to reply back.

One consisted of her talking about how she found a creepy note in her room from her ex (which wasn't me). So I think to myself, "ok?" The second one was telling me sorry that I wasn't in her top 8 and that I was technically 9th. This is where I got pissed. I already knew this and I wasn't really affected by it. Matter of fact, last time I checked the whole top 8 thing was 2005 for 16 year old girls. So why even bring it up?! I didn't respond. I just looked at it, read it, closed the phone, threw it on the bed and went back to sleep. It wasn't until I got incredible high during my 3 day 4th of July weekend where I considered responding. I didn't and thank god for that. I feel like I'm slightly notorious for starting shit where I'm either high or drunk. Who isn't though? Either way if I was going to talk to her I would rather be sober and off of illegal substances.

She makes me so mad (right now) yet I miss her so much. So, I will continue as if nothing is wrong.